You have survived a few months, but it hasn’t been easy, there have been tears, tantrums and absolute madness and I wanted to share a few revelations and facts that I have encountered about motherhood along the way….
1) Nails are weapons! they resemble Edward Scissorhands and you will be bearing battle wounds from scrapes and nips in no time. You may just keep some scissors in your back pocket as babies seem to have retractable claws that sprout within minutes of trimming them.
2) You will go into battle everytime you try to feed, change a nappy or generally anytime you require said baby to co-operate. They may be teeny tiny but don’t let that fool you, they have the strength of a gladiator and every kick, flap of the arm and head butt will be enough to send you spinning into outer space.
3) Which brings me to my next point. Co-operation (ha) that’s a funny one. You can bet your house on it that anything you want your little bundle of joy to do they will do the opposite. Since when did they develop such scary negotiation skills that a mere grunt to you is enough to have you backing down in fear of an absolute meltdown.
4) Socialising these days is a mere few seconds conversation grabbed with other mummy’s at a Mother & Baby group and the most grown up conversation you will probably have is with that annoying persistent person that calls at the same time everyday claiming to be able to get your PPI back or help with that accident you never had.
5) Your electric bill will sky rocket due to the washing machine and dryer being permanently on. Who knew one little teeny person could go through 20 different outfit changes in a day.
6) Never ever put on their Sunday best before that vital moment when you require them to be at their cutest. You can guarantee an explosive nappy or projectile vomit to rival that girl in the exorcist is only a few seconds away.
7) Sleep – that is one of those torture words your singleton and non parent friends pull out to tease and remind you of the blissful dreamy nights that are a mere thing of the past. Even if your little bundle has been pulling 7 hours straight each night, that my friend will change. Before you know it you are watching the clock hit every hour and you know the dialogue of every episode of In the Night Garden….backwards! Your baby will retaliate any time you try to rock them, lay them down or anything that may require them to drift off into the land of nod. You will become so tired that trying to even put on a shoe each morning is enough to reduce you to tears.
8) Your wardrobe will have gone from being super stylish to trying to decide which spit up top looks the freshest or what one will be able to hide the most slabbers, poo and sick stains throughout the day.
9) Those skinny, energetic and put together mums in TV ads and magazines are not real.
10) Washing your hair will become a military operation and even if you manage to get the time to wash it, drying is not an option. You really only have about 60 seconds to peel yourself from your baby’s grip to make it to the toilet, shower, brush your teeth and get dressed again before they start to wail the house down that they can be heard ten streets away so instead arm yourself with dry shampoo my friend.
11) Eating. hmmmmmm i’m not sure what this is anymore. I instead have become so proficient at shovelling a cold piece of toast in my mouth as I dash out the door for the school run with my little sumo wrestler in tow. Fine dining is now devouring a piece of chocolate. But I have a life raft ladies……Starbucks……it is your friend. For my fellow sleep deprived mummas if you time it just right to be in following the working persons rush hour and before the lunch madness begins then those saviours in the green aprons can have your triple strength coffee fix whipped up in less than 2 minutes (I have witnessed this impressive feat once when I was queuing and a fellow mummy actually timed how long it took them to dispense her caffeine while her child took on the life force of a demon and banshee rolled into one. On second thoughts they where probably trying their darnest to get them out of their establishment before World War 3 erupted but impressive all the same).
12) Your brain will become so mush that trying to remember just one item from your shopping list will require such deep concentration you may cause a head injury.
13) You will find yourself fluent in baby babble and feel like you have won an Oscar when your baby reciprocates.
14) Nursing strikes. Just as you have got the hang of handling and feeding your baby they decide unexpectedly to reject their food source. Even though it’s incredibly stressful this usually is temporary and before you know it they will be guzzling enough for a small army in no time.
15) At times you will want to throw the baby monitor out the window. You will spend so many times racing up and down the stairs you will probably meet yourself half way.
But if there is one thing I have learned the most, is that when you have managed to survive the day and think you can’t possibly continue for one more second without collapsing in a heap you will look down and catch sight of the biggest brightest ever grin you will see and wide open eyes that say Mummy you are a rockstar and I love you so much.
Now go forth and conquer ladies…..but be careful it’s a jungle out there!